He gave his father "the talk"His passport requires no photographWhen he drives a car off the lot, its price increases in valueOnce a rattlesnake bit him, after 5 days of excruciating pain, the snake finally diedHis 5 de Mayo party starts on the 8th of MarchHis feet don't get blisters, but his shoes doHe once went to the psychic, to warn herIf he were to punch you in the face you would have to fight off a strong urge to thank himWhatever side of the tracks he's currently on is the right side, even if he crosses the tracks he'll still be on the right sideHe can speak Russian... in FrenchHe never says something tastes like chicken.. not even chickenSuperman has pijamas with his logoHis tears can cure cancer, too bad he never criesThe circus ran away to join himBear hugs are what he gives bearsHe once brought a knife to a gunfight... just to even the oddsWhen he meets the Pope, the Pope kisses his ringHis friends call him by his name, his enemies don't call him anything because they are all deadHe has never waited 15 minutes after finishing a meal before returning to the poolIf he were to visit the dark side of the moon, it wouldn't be darkHe once won a staring contest with his own reflectionHe can kill two stones with one birdHis signature won a PulitzerWhen a tree falls in a forest and no one is there, he hears itHe once got pulled over for speeding, and the cop got the ticketThe dark is afraid of himSharks have a week dedicated to himHis ten gallon hat holds twenty gallonsNo less than 25 Mexican folk songs have been written about his beardHe once made a weeping willow laughHe lives vicariously through himselfHis business card simply says 'I'll Call You"He once taught a german shepherd how to bark in spanishHe bowls overhandIn museums, he is allowed to touch the artHe is allowed to talk about the fight clubHe once won a fist fight, only using his beardHe once won the Tour-de-France, but was disqualified for riding a unicycleA bird in his hand is worth three in the bushHis lovemaking has been detected by a seismographThe Holy Grail is looking for himRoses stop to smell himHe once started a fire using only dental floss and waterHis sweat is the cure for the common coldBigfoot tries to get pictures of himWerewolves are jealous of his beardHe once turned a vampire into a vegetarianHe once won the world series of poker using UNO cardsHe never wears a watch because time is always on his sideHe has taught old dogs a variety of new tricksHe has won the lifetime achievement award... twiceIf opportunity knocks, and he's not at home, opportunity waitsBatman watches Saturday morning cartoons about himWhen he was young he once sent his parents to his roomHe once had an awkward moment, just to see how it feelsHis beard alone has experienced more than a lesser man’s entire bodyHis blood smells like cologneOn every continent in the world, there is a sandwich named after him. His hands feel like rich brown suedeMosquitoes refuse to bite him purely out of respectHe is fluent in all languages, including three that he only speaksOnce while sailing around the world, he discovered a short cutPanhandlers give him moneyWhen he goes to Spain, he chases the bullsHis shadow has been on the 'best dressed' list twiceWhen he holds a lady's purse, he looks manlyTwo countries went to war to dispute HIS nationalityWhen in Rome, they do as HE doesHis pillow is cool on BOTH sidesThe Nobel Academy was awarded a prize from HIMWhile swimming off the coast of Australia, he once scratched the underbelly of the Great White with his right hanHe taught Chuck Norris martial artsTime waits on no one, but himOnce he ran a marathon because it was "on the way"His mother has a tattoo that says "Son"The star on his Christmas tree is tracked by NASAPresidents take his birthday offHis recipe for deviled eggs involves actual witchcraftHe has never walked into a spider webHe is left-handed. And right-handedHis shirts never wrinkleThe police often question him, just because they find him interestingHis organ donation card also lists his beardHe doesn’t believe in using oven mitts, nor potholdersHis cereal never gets soggy. It sits there, staying crispy, just for himRespected archaeologists fight over his discarded apple coresEven his tree houses have fully finished basementsHis garden maze is responsible for more missing persons than the bermuda triangleIf he were to say something costs an arm and a leg, it wouldHe’s never lost a game of chanceHe is the life of parties that he has never attendedHe was on a recent archaeological dig and came across prehistoric foot prints that lead out of Africa into all parts of the world. On close inspection, it turned out that the prints were hisHe once caught the Loch Ness Monster….with a cane pole, but threw it backHis wallet is woven out of chupacabra leatherHe played a game of Russian Roulette with a fully loaded magnum, and wonFreemasons strive to learn HIS secret handshakeIf he was to pat you on the back, you would list it on your resumeHe is considered a national treasure in countries he’s never visitedCars look both ways for him, before driving down a streetHe once tried to acquire a cold just to see what it felt like, but it didn’t takeHe has inside jokes with people he’s never met.
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